Reasons.

I started this blog quite a while ago. It charted my journey with I supposed finding myself. I wrote out pages and pages of posts regarding my being, how I dealt with life, and how I felt about things. I only showed it to a select few people because  1.) Had never met them, so I could not fear judgement. & 2.) When I showed it to a select couple of people whom I had known and trusted, they invalidated my feelings by telling me it was all in my head.

The people who I showed it to who I had never met had such a great level of empathy and concern for me and my being that I finally pulled myself out of the downward spiral I had been stuck in since I was a teenager. The posts concerning suicide, hate, and love were never frowned upon. I'm sure they weren't happy about what was going on, but if not for them I couldn't say if I would be on this Earth anymore. And for you guys, I am ever grateful for you being there for me, even now when I have my little moments, you give me the courage to look at life from another perspective.

I did have a few good local friends, bless their souls, but I never wanted to bother them with the issues of my life. I was afraid that they would abandon me because I was horribly flawed, I thought that they were blind for the time being.

Since high school I have dealt with horrible issues of self-esteem and self-image. Many people have said and done harrowing things to me in my life. And instead of letting go of those things and looking beyond, I embraced them as if they were the absolute truth of my being.

In High School, I will never forget the girls who tormented me because I was not 'them'. The girls who called me a slut when I had never had sex. The ones who told me I was hideous, boys and girls alike. The girl who made fun of my wal-mart brand clothes or the financial stability of my family. I will never forget the day when a boy on my school bus who did not like me hit me upside the head with a box speaker he had tucked away in his back pack. The girl who thought it would be funny to throw me into the aisle of the school bus because I had taken her 'seat'.  The kids who spit on me because they didn't like me hanging out with a 'friend' that we shared. The day a football player decided to confront me in the hallways of school because his girlfriend didn't like me and became physical with me.

These things hurt, and in that developing point of my life, they also made me feel absolutely worthless. What child should carry that feeling on their shoulders? I could smile all day long, but at home I cried myself to sleep.

The rest of my life up to about a couple of years ago was not pleasant either.  The boys I dated abused my love, my friends only wanted me around when they could get something from me, or a ride, or money. And when something 'prettier' came along I found myself alone, (not always the case, but the general going), when my money ran out no one wanted to spend time with me. And now as a adult I find myself cautious in all of my endeavors.


I have only a handful of friends, and that's how I like it.

They don't care if I'm being goofy, or if I have money, if I'm ranting or quiet. They don't judge me or give me unwanted advice or that I told you so. We've cried together, fought tooth and nail, debated, expressed our deepest secrets and come out alive. They let me make my mistakes, offer me a shoulder when I need it and we have fun in our own little ways. I cherish these few people as I would my own son, and give them only the respect they deserve back, (And if I somehow don't, please, please, please tell me so. I will make it right if I can.)

From these experiences I have developed a strong faith in humanity in general. I only want to reach out and help those around me, I see the good in people now, so strongly, and I also see those who are tainted with hatred and the variety in between. I would offer my hand in friendship to any of these people, I would offer forgiveness for the wrong doings, and I would beg for my own for the wrong I have done in my life. I am far from perfect, I have done and said things I would rather not think about. But even so,  I find myself with far less room for hate now, a higher level for compassion than I have before, and the ability to forgive not only those around me, but myself as well.

I want to do something worthwhile with my life and my love, I just have to take the first steps to this long journey.

Rejuvenated!

I'm just using this as a placeholder for now. Until I can think of something super awesome to post. :D

WAIT. I KNOW WHATS AWESOME!

Yeah, bitches. In style.

It's alright. Everything is fine. Keep moving forward.

Hoo-haaa!

I am so happy. It's like a lot of shit has finally fallen into it's proper places. And most of all it seems like Havoc is alright with how things are going. I never once went into anything thinking I'd end up being a single mother. I am also the primary caretaker of my son. It has been insanely hard on me for the last few months trying to balance everything out, but when it finally came down to it, once I finally found out that my ex has a girlfriend, it's like a lot of weight fell off my shoulders.

By all means, the shit he put me through in my past is unforgivable, it left horrible scars on my self esteem, I'm sure some of my retaliation tactics left him a bit shaky too. Drug addled old men and equally drug addled young women are just brew for trouble. (We've both cut the drugs, future blog posts on addiction in the future!)


But the fact that he has a girlfriend is amazing. x3 I don't have to worry about him and his feelings anymore. All the love letters and music that he so adamantly sent to me suddenly ceased a few months ago finally makes sense now~! Of course, I like this new girlfriend of his already, as I knew about her years ago, so I don't have to fear her being some crazy ass bitch. She's younger than me, but he dated her years ago before. Once a cradle robber always a cradle robber!


But now. I just feel so in harmony and at peace. Now we can work on raising our son in the best possible way while still nurturing our own lives to be better than what they were or are currently. To me, this just seems like what our son needs. To see how to resolve conflict, to see two adults, though parted, working towards a better future for him. That we can bring other adults into our lives (with caution) and form healthy relationships.


It's okay to fall down, but it's always good to get back up and keep moving forward.

Full circle

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I decided that for a short time, up keeping a journal wasn't in my best intrest. I felt like I was posting things that could have been potentially shared with people on another platform. I've been working very hard to keep my thoughts, emotions, and other aspects in check. :) It only takes a few blows from friends to remind me now and then that I am indeed, a little or quite possibly very self-centric. I really enjoy these slaps to the face, because they wake me up, and because my friends happiness and well being is a concern of mine, the lessons usually stick.

I have overcome obstacles. Hard obstacles. As it would probably please my old friend Reko to know now, that I finally have realized my own value. I recently had a small regression, but it was small. It didn't blow out, I smiled, pushed through, and came out unharmed on the other side and feeling better. I didn't dwell on it and hate on myself for days on end like I used to do. I still have issues with 'minor rejections', but that seems to be only during a specific time of the month when I'm rather hormonal. *coughcough* I'm sure they make a pill for that.


I want to be a more humble person.

omg. I like to analyze things.

Why didn't anyone tell me this!

Just something random from the internet. Intermission. ;p

Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometime things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles that you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart. Everything happens for a reason.

Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without this small test, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.The people that you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you will become.

Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones.If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things.

Make everyday count.

Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you could possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen... Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish.....Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.... Was it worth it?