Reasons.

I started this blog quite a while ago. It charted my journey with I supposed finding myself. I wrote out pages and pages of posts regarding my being, how I dealt with life, and how I felt about things. I only showed it to a select few people because  1.) Had never met them, so I could not fear judgement. & 2.) When I showed it to a select couple of people whom I had known and trusted, they invalidated my feelings by telling me it was all in my head.

The people who I showed it to who I had never met had such a great level of empathy and concern for me and my being that I finally pulled myself out of the downward spiral I had been stuck in since I was a teenager. The posts concerning suicide, hate, and love were never frowned upon. I'm sure they weren't happy about what was going on, but if not for them I couldn't say if I would be on this Earth anymore. And for you guys, I am ever grateful for you being there for me, even now when I have my little moments, you give me the courage to look at life from another perspective.

I did have a few good local friends, bless their souls, but I never wanted to bother them with the issues of my life. I was afraid that they would abandon me because I was horribly flawed, I thought that they were blind for the time being.

Since high school I have dealt with horrible issues of self-esteem and self-image. Many people have said and done harrowing things to me in my life. And instead of letting go of those things and looking beyond, I embraced them as if they were the absolute truth of my being.

In High School, I will never forget the girls who tormented me because I was not 'them'. The girls who called me a slut when I had never had sex. The ones who told me I was hideous, boys and girls alike. The girl who made fun of my wal-mart brand clothes or the financial stability of my family. I will never forget the day when a boy on my school bus who did not like me hit me upside the head with a box speaker he had tucked away in his back pack. The girl who thought it would be funny to throw me into the aisle of the school bus because I had taken her 'seat'.  The kids who spit on me because they didn't like me hanging out with a 'friend' that we shared. The day a football player decided to confront me in the hallways of school because his girlfriend didn't like me and became physical with me.

These things hurt, and in that developing point of my life, they also made me feel absolutely worthless. What child should carry that feeling on their shoulders? I could smile all day long, but at home I cried myself to sleep.

The rest of my life up to about a couple of years ago was not pleasant either.  The boys I dated abused my love, my friends only wanted me around when they could get something from me, or a ride, or money. And when something 'prettier' came along I found myself alone, (not always the case, but the general going), when my money ran out no one wanted to spend time with me. And now as a adult I find myself cautious in all of my endeavors.


I have only a handful of friends, and that's how I like it.

They don't care if I'm being goofy, or if I have money, if I'm ranting or quiet. They don't judge me or give me unwanted advice or that I told you so. We've cried together, fought tooth and nail, debated, expressed our deepest secrets and come out alive. They let me make my mistakes, offer me a shoulder when I need it and we have fun in our own little ways. I cherish these few people as I would my own son, and give them only the respect they deserve back, (And if I somehow don't, please, please, please tell me so. I will make it right if I can.)

From these experiences I have developed a strong faith in humanity in general. I only want to reach out and help those around me, I see the good in people now, so strongly, and I also see those who are tainted with hatred and the variety in between. I would offer my hand in friendship to any of these people, I would offer forgiveness for the wrong doings, and I would beg for my own for the wrong I have done in my life. I am far from perfect, I have done and said things I would rather not think about. But even so,  I find myself with far less room for hate now, a higher level for compassion than I have before, and the ability to forgive not only those around me, but myself as well.

I want to do something worthwhile with my life and my love, I just have to take the first steps to this long journey.

Rejuvenated!

I'm just using this as a placeholder for now. Until I can think of something super awesome to post. :D

WAIT. I KNOW WHATS AWESOME!

Yeah, bitches. In style.